Midnight Grooms
by syrupjunkie
Summary: Yamato and Taichi are on a 1 hour epic journey to preserve their right to have an uncomplicated sex life. Taito. Oddness.


Author's Notes:  So I have risen from the dead.  I blame Natsu's latest fic, "Accidents Happen,' which has suddenly inspired this weird one shot from me.  It has also made me realize that three months is a long while for updating so I thank her for getting me off my bum.  Oh and most likely marriage between two guys isn't legal in Japan, but hey, humour me won't you?

Disclaimer:  Digimon is not mine, despite a burning yearning for possession.

Warnings:  Nothing much.  Profanity and mentions of sex but not in any way explicit.

Midnight Grooms 

Taichi yanked the steering wheel to the right and the car lurched dangerously in a sharp turn.  The blonde next to him swore profusely and gripped the door handle harder.  "Shit, Taichi, you're gonna get us fucking killed before we get there."

The brown haired driver merely spared a moment to give Yamato a long-suffering look and turned back to glare at the road.  Even at eleven at night Odaiba still glowed with the red and white lights of cars and buses.  In fact it was even more aggravating than midday traffic because they really needed be somewhere by midnight.  Come hell or nuclear holocaust Taichi would be damned if they closed the doors on him.  The car in front suddenly stopped and he jammed on the breaks, sending both him and Yamato scooting several inches closer to being propelled through the windshield.  

Yamato turned in his seat to give Taichi a menacing glare, face pinched with shoddily hidden anger and an all-encompassing fear for his life.  He took advantage of the red light to berate his boyfriend, despite Taichi's seeming lack of attention.  "Stop driving like a fucking maniac.  The last thing we need is to get held up by the police for breaking speed limits and running red lights."

Taichi's only response was a firmer grip on the steering wheel and a repetition of the same thing he'd said last red light and the one before that.  "We need to get there before it closes.  You know what hangs in the balance."

Yamato sighed and shook his head.  Of course he knew what hung in the balance, and he wasn't going to accept failure either.  But that didn't mean he was willing to be scraped off the pavement like bloody road kill on his wedding night.

It really had all started an hour before when he and Taichi were watching an old movie on the television.  They were both too lazy and comfortable in each other's arms that they let the answering machine pick up the telephone call that came in near the end of the movie.  It hadn't even registered to either of them that it was important until they really listened in halfway through the message and realized Hikari was asking if anyone was in.

Taichi was about to get up and pick up the phone when his sister dropped the bombshell, and then have Takeru confirm it in the background with an enthused smiling voice.  It stunned both Taichi and Yamato into paralysis.  Takeru and Hikari had decided to get married.  Tomorrow.  First thing in the morning.

The world grinded to a halt.  By the time Yamato had tuned back into reality, the end credits were rolling and Taichi was lying underneath him like a brick, staring up blindly at the ceiling.  Even with barely half his brain cells working Yamato knew enough to rouse his boyfriend back to the living, and then both had blinked a few times before sitting there absorbing for a bit longer.

Finally, sense began to return to the pair and it was a happy realization for both of them.  Their siblings were getting married.   At 21, after 6 years of dating, almost as long as Yamato and Taichi had been together.  Taichi was the first to get a grip on the situation with a broad scheming smile and leapt off the couch.  His outrageously big hair had nothing on the intense energy that suddenly began to roll off him.  It was as if he had come awake at 10 at night.  And then he yelled 'Bachelor Party!' and Yamato had found himself grinning the same maniacal smile.

Within five minutes their coats were in their hands and an itinerary was already formed.  Drive to TK's and Kari's apartment, drag the blond out of said apartment, drive to local bar, get completely smashed, return bachelor back to fiancé to sober up, leaving the two remaining men to go home and fuck senseless.  All in all, Yamato was rather pleased at his planning abilities.

But then Taichi had to realize something devastating and the plan had quickly been forgotten.  The brunette was blocking the doorway when he rounded on Yamato and frowned with a worried pout.  He almost sounded philosophical, but it was thwarted by his face twisting up in exaggerated pensiveness.  "Yama, if they get married tomorrow, that makes us brothers."

Yamato nodded slowly, surprised even after years of knowing Taichi, at the inanity of the comment.  "Brothers in law, yes."

Taichi paled suddenly and traced his thoughts out again, his voice dying down to a conspiratorial whisper.  "But then I'd be sleeping with my brother.  And that's" with his face aghast with horror, "that's incest."

Yamato blinked once and then stared incredulously for a few seconds and then it all made sense.  And he shivered hard.  "You're right.  That's so wrong."  He trembled with the thought of it.  Being at parties, meeting people, having them meeting TK and Hikari and then meeting himself and Taichi.  And they would ask confusedly 'aren't you brothers in law?' when he and Taichi showed signs of intimacy.  He stared determinedly at Taichi and made a fist.  "This can't happen.  I refuse to be gawked at."

Taichi nodded eagerly in agreement, closing the front door.  His leadership skills rose quickly to the surface and he motioned them to sit down at the kitchen table.  "What can we do?"

"Well, we obviously can't break TK and Hikari up.  Or ask them to postpone; they'd never agree to it."

"Right…"  Taichi frowned in effort and looked down distractedly at the key ring in his hand.  It was almost as if he'd been burned, the speed at which he jumped up out of the chair, grabbed Yamato's hand and hauled his boyfriend up to his feet.  "I have the answer!"

"What?"

"We beat them at their own game."  When the blonde showed no signs of understanding, Taichi took the key ring and slid it over one of Yamato's fingers.  "We're going to get married before them.  Right now."

Yamato frowned a little confusedly but nonetheless worked out Taichi's suggestion in his head, seeing the crazy yet logical rationale.  "And then they'd be brother and sister in law and we'd be legitimate…" he said slowly.  Taichi nodded in encouragement to continue.  Yamato was warming up to the idea already.  "And then we'd be able to sleep together all we want."

Taichi beamed and squeezed Yamato's hand tighter.  "Exactly!  Don't you see it's our only choice if you ever want to fuck me again?"

That thought put Yamato decidedly in Taichi's camp.  It was the only solution.  They had to get married before their siblings, and there was no time for delay.  Quickly the coats had been abandoned and the telephone book was being furiously ripped open and the phone snatched up off the cradle.  Yamato hurriedly scanned the ads in the directory while Taichi typed rapidly into a search engine on the computer in the living room.  Yamato was quickly writing down options and scouring the numbers and addresses.  Chapels, government offices, justices of the peace.  If they could sign a marriage license, then they were on the list.

Taichi was doing the same on the computer, compiling a database referenced by open hours, fees, and location.  The minutes ticked by at an alarmingly fast rate.

Yamato's fingers stung with the pain of jabbing too many buttons but he was continuing on with unrelenting vigour.  So far there was nothing.  He was almost at the end of his list when Taichi ripped a page out of the printer and came running to Yamato's side.  The brunette waved the crumpled paper triumphantly.  "I found a chapel, a little out of the away but open till midnight."  He glanced up at the wall clock and cursed lightly under his breath.  "It's a half hour away."

Yamato wasted no time in snatching up the keys and their jackets and shoving Taichi out the door.  "Okay, there's not a moment to waste," he said as he viciously dragged Taichi into the elevator, cutting off one of their neighbors.  But neighborly concern could go to hell and soon Taichi had started up the car and they were racing through the streets of downtown Odaiba.

Which is where they were at the moment.  The green digital display in the car flashed 11:30 and Taichi pressed down harder on the gas pedal.  The car jerked and sped on, careening down the asphalt.  If anyone attempted to cross the street they were going to get a big surprise, in the shape of a SUV driven by a deranged 25-year-old Taichi Yagami.

Yamato squinted hard to make out the street signs as they flashed by, alternating his attention between the passing signposts and the address in his hand.  They were in a district neither of them had ever been to.  The dimness and slum like quality of the passing buildings did not inspire confidence of any kind but Yamato didn't care.  The only thing that mattered was finding the chapel, and preserving his right to Taichi's naked body.

Almost by accident, while turning around and glancing back to make sure Taichi hadn't sideswiped a bicyclist, he recognized the chapel's name on a small dim flashing sign halfway hidden behind a tree.  He gripped Taichi's elbow and all but screamed, "Stop!"

Startled, Taichi crushed both feet down onto the brakes and this time there was enough force to propel them forward so that Taichi crashed face first into the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare loudly into the night.  Red hazy light flashed across his eyes and he rubbed his smarting nose while trying to stop the sparkly dots glimmering in his vision.  Even the pretty lights couldn't distract him from the pain though and he turned to glare at Yamato.  "What the fuck was that?"

If Yamato felt any guilt for causing Taichi pain, it was concealed exceedingly well for he merely turned back and pointed to the blinking sign.  "It's right there.  We passed it."

Things were muddled in Taichi's head and he had no idea what the blond was talking about until he saw the directions on Yamato's lap and snapped his head back to follow Yamato's finger.  There indeed was the pitifully tacky sign for the chapel.  Without hesitation, he dragged the car into reverse and executed a bone crunching U turn that managed by the grace of God to avoid slamming headfirst into a light post.

Parking was even more terrifying as Taichi skidded the car sideways to park across two handicapped spaces.  One of the wheels rested on the curb and one was off the ground.  As Yamato stepped out into the parking lot, he was overcome with an urge to drop to his knees and thank the forces that be that he was still alive despite Taichi's death wish driving.  His second feeling was a mixture of apprehension and disgust as he realized that their 'chapel' was not so much a chapel but a sleazy decrepit shack.  But by then the clock had struck 11:45 and Taichi was dragging him, almost sprinting towards the building.

Taichi panted and took deep breaths as he and Yamato stopped at the entrance to the chapel.  He composed himself momentarily before tearing open the door, causing the hinges to groan and squeak nastily in pain.  This time it was Yamato that took the lead, walking purposefully to the startled girl at the counter.  In fact she swallowed her gum in surprise when the blond slammed down a handful of bills and told her he needed to get married right now.

But before the girl could reply, the minister had appeared in front of the altar and was frowning at the two of them.  There was a look on his face that asked tacitly whether both boys were in their right mind and/or sober.  But Yamato was tired, achy and threatened with the fear of never being able to have sex with Taichi ever again.  All three of which drove him to yank Taichi down the aisle until they were face to face with the lanky minister.  "Look, we need to get married right now."

The man's face screwed up even tighter as if confirming that both boys were indeed high or intoxicated beyond rationality.  "I'm sure you think you do, but maybe you should think about this…" at least until the drugs wear off, he thought sourly to himself.

But Taichi had then joined in the argument, drawing himself up straight by Yamato's side in a disturbingly militant imitation of the plastic couple on top of wedding cakes.  He pounded his fist into his open palm to stress his words.  "No, we're not waiting another fucking minute.  You don't understand.  We need to get married right now-"

"-because if we don't, my younger brother and his younger sister will be married tomorrow morning-"

"-and then me and Yamato will be brothers-"

"-which means we can't have sex anymore-"

"-without it being icky."

The minister stared between the two of them and looked over their shoulders to the girl behind the counter.  She looked slightly frightened and pointed to the phone, but he reluctantly shook his head against police involvement and decided that he'd pacify the two men in front of him.  If they woke up tomorrow and freaked out about being married, it was their own damn fault.  Besides, he'd married people in even worse bouts of drug and alcohol intoxication.  There was the time when a drunken couple had demanded he marry the two of them and their dogs.  Even the ratty looking Chihuahuas looked rather out of it.  With a resigned sigh, he stepped back towards the podium.  "If you'll step this way, sirs…"

Yamato followed in relief.  For a moment, he thought that they'd actually have to get into a fistfight with the minister, which would hurt his hand and cause the only man that could marry him and Taichi at the moment to be unconscious.  Both of which were not so good ideas.  But it was working out fine, now that they were at the makeshift altar standing on the nasty peach coloured carpet and beheld by rows of plastic fold out chairs that were supposed to simulate pews.  

Halfway through the ceremony Taichi began to hop on his feet in imitation of a child needing the potty and glared at the minister for wasting precious time by reading long dumb boring passages about love and faithfulness and other such crap.  "Do you think you could speed it up?"

The minister's lips thinned appreciably, flustering.  He closed the book in front of him and threw up his hands.  "Fine, do you…what's your name?"

"Taichi."

"Do you Taichi take uh…"

"Yamato."

"Do you Taichi take Yamato to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Yes."

"Do you Yamato-"

"Yeah."

"Do you have rings?"  Taichi cursed and started patting his shirt and pants and digging into his pockets.  Yamato did likewise, but also included in his search the carpet immediately around him.  Eventually Taichi came up with a lint covered cherry lifesaver and Yamato with a coin.  The minister looked at them miserably and shook his head.  Why didn't he go to college when he had the chance?  "Why don't we forget the rings?  Just kiss and be done with it."

That was one command that both complied with readily and was memorialized quite explicitly in the wedding photograph.  Of course generally wedding photos didn't include so much groping but you get what you pay for.  As soon as they came up for air, the girl from the counter gave them a hasty half assed congratulations and dragged them off unceremoniously to fill out and sign a mountain of paperwork.   She then dispensed some friendly advice for speedy annulments and waved them goodbye.

By the time they got back to the apartment it was well past two in the morning and the invigorating adrenaline of the evening had worn down to a fuzzy numbness.  Taichi blinked blearily as he shut the door and stumbled onto the couch.  Yamato dropped beside him and yawned widely.  "You know it's our wedding night Taichi.  We should have sex."

Taichi moaned sleepily and laid his head against Yamato's chest.  "Really?"

"It's tradition."  Yamato yawned again and his body sagged longingly into the sofa cushions.  "We only need to do it once.  To commiserate…no wait, consummate."

"Oh, okay then…I guess…."  Taichi shifted with great effort and kissed Yamato briefly.  "Only once…then…sleep."

"Mmm, sleep."  Yamato tried to reach for Taichi but his arms refused to function, then his legs followed quickly and ultimately his brain.  Fortunately the snore coming from Taichi told the same story and Yamato wondered hazily right before he blacked out that if he dreamed that he and Taichi had sex, would it count as consummation?

But then he had a dream about clowns working in a gingerbread bank so the question wasn't valid anymore.

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Author's Notes:  Well hope you enjoyed it and weren't too confused/weirded out or preoccupied with wondering what I hell I was on when I wrote this.  Oh, and drop me review won't you?  It'd be a huge distraction from the daily toil that is work.


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